Things That I'm Thankful For...

This most likely will be one of my most simple post that I've written, but one of the most meaningful in my mind. On thanksgiving it is a time for us all to look back and reflect upon what we are most thankful for, things like family or friends, or even just the little things like stepping outside and breathing that first breath of cold air in the morning, or the rain upon the window reminding us that there still is always a chance for peace in this world. I've decided to make a list of the people and things in my life that I am most thankful for, so here it goes...

My Family: for all the support that they give me, even in times when they are having a hard time taking care of themselves.

My Classmate: for all the fun that we always seem to have regardless of how much school work we have or how hard our personal lives have gotten, we still seem to enjoy being around each other.

Ernie: for all the fun times that we've had so far this year hanging out watching soccer, Star Trek, and all the jokes that we've shared in class, even when we're poking fun at each other.

Ellis: for the amazing friendship that we've built and the support that you have given me through everything.

Rowell: thou we don't talk much, all the good times that we have, and for all that you've taught me about faith.

Bob and Carol Ham: for all the blessing that you have brought to me though out these years and all the wonderful support that you've both given me.

Lindsey N: for your undying friendship that you've given me, at times it catches me off guard how much you care, you are one of my closest friends and I love you dearly.

Amber: I just met you this year, but wow what an amazing friend you've become to me, all the checking in, and all the long talks we've had.

Casandra: even thou we haven't been talking much of late, you have always been there for me think and thin, that means so much to me, and all the laughs we've shared over the years.

The Sirena Gelato Staff: when back in Bellingham you where all like a second family to me in so many ways, the dumb fights, pranks, and all the great times we've had.

Sydney: Even thou we can go weeks without talking at a time you are now and most likely will always be my closest friend. The times that we've shared in joy and hardship and the unweaving support that we give each other I wouldn't trade for anything on this earth. I love you so very much, and honestly there are times that I wonder what I would do without your friendship.

I know that I only listed different people here, but I know for myself I am thankful for much more that just this, these are just the people in my life that I know that I can always count on. I love you all, and on this thanksgiving let it be known that I am so thankful for everything that you all bring to my life.

New Friends New Songs To Be Sung...

So lately I've been doing my best at making some new friends out here is Spokane and have found it almost to easy in the most wonderful ways. I have found some great new friends just inside my program, so thats always fun for me, plus on a better note I've finally started making some new friends from my church group and they're a ton of fun, but don't think they would mix well with my school group...but who really knows anyways right?

On a very different note, monday in one of my classes we ended up cutting up eyes! Talk about a way to say thanksgiving right? I actually found it very interesting thou, I never realized how strong our eyes really are, it took quite a lot of work to remove some of the parts of the eye, thing like cutting into the sclera where actually very hard to do. Plus when I removed the lens I was shocked at just how hard it was. I mean it was like removing a small rock from they eye, I guess that just goes to show how strong the muscles in the eye really are. Then when removing the retina, I thought it would have been much tougher that it was, I mean its only about as strong as wet paper, and know that now I can't believe that people have surgery done to it. Lastly I found it very interesting that after you break part the strong part the amount of damage that happens at that point is almost 10 fold.

Lost in a Faithfully Faithless World...

It's strange that when something so simple seems just so impossible to reach, there's always something that just seems to push or pull you back not letting you get there. Everyone seems to have something like this in their lives, if its finding joy, moving on, love, or even faith. I know that for myself I seem to have a hard time reaching into faith, as much as a I want it there, and regardless of what I try I just can't seem to find it. Don't get me wrong, I am not one of those Easter/Christmas church goers, I attend church almost every sunday, just to try to wrap even a pinky finger hold on it. I mean I guess I have faith, just not in a religious way, I have faith that things can always get better, just not faith that Jesus is going to be some saving force.

I guess the thought of putting my faith into a two thousand year old zombie, whose flesh we eat, and blood we drink just is over my head. Better yet what about this god guy/gal? I mean in the bible it talks about not worshiping false gods or idols, but really isn't that all people are doing by worshiping god, please don't get me wrong here, I'm not trying to criticize anyones faith in this "god" but really think about it. There is no definite proof of this "god" other than the strange devotion that people seem to give to him, but in that light isn't that exactly what the ten commandments tells us not to do? I guess I'm just confused...

From what I know in my life is that many times people throw this faith into this "god" because they are fearful, fearful that things might go wrong, lose a loved one, or the need to believe in something to keep their head up. But these things are going to happen, things will always go wrong and we will always lose our loved ones, and for this we need some "god" to tell us that we're going to be okay? I personally believe that true strength in faith is that strength to have all this constantly happening all around us and still being able to stand up after being knocked down, and know that a better day is coming. I have faith that I can take the hits, get knocked down and bloodied, and still dust myself off, and stand up and say to the world, "is that the best you can throw?"

Maybe I don't know anything about this whole idea of faith, but what I have works fines for me. I will keep trying to understand this whole idea of a "one true god" or "christ the saviour", until I do understand it I will lets the waves of life crash against my shores trying to steel pieces of me, as I hold on as best I can.

My Halloween...What a Night

So time seems to change all of us right? Some of us for better and others of for the worse, and its really hard to tell when just looking at one's self, so all we can do is just look at the people that decide to be around us. So from this way of looking at myself I am forced to believe that I've changed a lot since I've been out here in Spokane, it catches me off guard actually. I must have gotten nicer or something, or maybe just not as closed off as I used to be, but regardless of what it is I seem to have found a nice group of people around me. So I'm not complaining haha...

On a different note, my halloween was a very interesting one, my day started off at 10:30AM after picking my friend Rio up and heading over to one of my ManUtd hooligans houses to watch the game. I must admit that I love how I strangely I seem to fit right in with this group of older gentleman, I mean even thou they're all 50+ years old, they seem to just let me into their Red Devil fan fair. From all the swearing "fucking Nani!" "God damn't Giggs" "Whats that fucking ref thinking! Where's the god damn card" gotta love it. I must give Rio props for coming to watch the game with me, even though she doesn't know anything about soccer haha, but she got the hang of it quick I think. I mean Rio was swearing right along with the best of so that counts in my book.

After watching a solid win by the Red Devils taking the other team out with a 2-0 final score, I went to a fair at the school which was a interesting thing, I learned a few things when at the folk festival. First SCC choir sucks worse then WCC's one, which I'm not going to lie didn't think could honestly happen haha. Second that when taking directions from Rio I need to reverse then all to get to the right place haha. Third the Asian belly dancer that was there has no sense of rhythm to save her life! Lastly I found out that my school seems to be easily transformed into a really nice place for such a strange group of people.

Then that night I went out to a bar near my place, rocking the look of one of the Bonndock Saints, tattoos and everything. I came into the bar and sat down and was having a good time watching people being stupid, when I heard someone yell "Evan!" clearing know that I in no way was this "Evan" that was being yelled at I paid no attention to it till all of a sudden I was airborne and heading to ground fast watching Superman come into view...apparently I was "Evan" regardless of this I got up in good fashion and put Superman's face into the bar stand (had to live up to being a Boondock Saint right?) at that point the bar tender had come around the counter with a waiter and grabbed my new archenemy and called the police waited till they came to put this drunken super hero behind bars.

So I guess that one one true claim to fame for this halloween has nothing to do with drinking, or partying like a rock star, no mine is that I beat Superman in a fight, so I think thats a good one.

Reflections on a New Beginning

Sometimes we seem to forget who we really are, and at time even forget the things that make you that person that you are. Since I've moved out to Spokane I've struggled a lot with this, I have found that for some reason a lot of the things that I used to do don't bring me the same joys that they used to. In fact only one old past time brings me the same level of joy that it always has, and thats just singing, singing regardless of who's listening or giving me some stupid look thinking I'm some crazy fool. But at this point I seem to actually really love those looks cause it means that someone is listening to me again. Haha maybe not in the way I was hoping for, but who really give a fuck, right? Who really is going to tell you what can and can't make you happy.


I was scared my first day of school this fall because I thought that I would have a hard time finding my place with my classmates and I couldn't have been more incorrect. Within the first 30 minutes of class I had been invited to watch a Manchester United game, and had two people actually wanting to get to know me. I just guess I am thankful for the few people out here as well that are new in my life that can get me to crack a smile, or even laugh till I cry. Thank you guys :) (you know who you guys are by the way) We all seem to fear what we don't know or understand, and this new venture in my life would be so much harder if I didn't have these new people in my life. Again I cannot begin to thank them enough for the difference they make in my life.

Now days it seems like I am almost always out doing something, even if its just going and walking around talking random pictures singing to myself like a mad man. I feel like I've finally got my feet back on the ground again, and I can't be more thankful for that. I mean I'm going to church again and back in Bellingham I used to only go because I felt like I had to, and now out here I actually look forward to it. The same can be said for school, I used to hate it and find it pointless and now with the program that I'm in I can't seem to get enough of it. Now days I'm not waking up wondering why the hell am I up and what am I even doing...now days I get up hitting the ground running (kinda have to with the time school starts ahaha) and am excited to see what day holds.

Thank you again to all of you that make such a difference in my life everyday, I couldn't be the person that I am today without you. Its like you all are like a second family to me, I love you guys, and thats all there is to it.

If sweet death should ever come for me
Let me know, boys, let me know
If you hear him coming, won't you let me flee
Let me go, boys, let me go

One day death is gonna conquer me
I'll be down where the waters flow
I hope sweet heaven is the place for me
Let me know, boys, let me know

If sweet death should ever come for me
Take me down to some place below
If you hear him coming won't you set me free
Let me go, boys, let me go

If you hear him coming, won't you sing for me?
That I just don't want to go.

Coldplay - "Death Will Never Conquer"

One Artist

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to friends and include me. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think.




Pick Your Artist: Coldplay

Are you male or female?
Death and All His Friends

Describe yourself:
The Scientist

How do you feel about yourself?
Death Will Never Conquer

Describe where you currently live:
In My Place

If you could be anywhere, where would you be?
Cemeteries of London

Your favorite form of transportation:
Speed Of Sound

Your best friend is:
A Rush Of Blood To The Head

Your favorite color is:
White Shadows

What's the weather like?
Daylight

Favorite Time of Day:
Lost?

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called?
What If

What is life to you?
Twisted Logic

What is the best advice you have to give?
Don't Panic

If you could change your name, what would it be?
Trouble

Your favorite food is:
Glass of Water

Thought for the Day:
You Only Live Twice

How I would like to die:
Swallowed in the Sea

My soul's present condition:
Shiver

The faults I can bear:
Things I Don't Understand

My motto:
Viva La Vida

So I Got Bored...

So on sunday I was sitting at home, trying to conceive cleaning the wonderful death trap of a room that I have created, which in its self is very exciting. I mean you never know whats going to happen when you walk in the door, just today I got up and I almost died due to the fact that I forget that I let small furry animals sleep next to my bed. Anyways I digress, I was bored and I went and bought a Bass, now I am sure this was brought on by the fact that I was down at the EMP and couldn't keep my hands off all the instruments... but who really knows?

I tend to forget how much I miss doing different things in my life, music being one of them. I just love music and everything to do with it, but most of all when I get to play an instrument or just sing. Picking up and playing an instrument really showed me how much I was longing for that again in my life. I guess that I started to underestimate the importance that I had put on music in my life, and I really need to not do that again.

Gauges and Tears

So a few days ago I got gauges in both of my ears, not just any size either, but a size 0. Now please understand that I am a 20 year old male, who knows a good deal about life and what not. The reaction that I received from my parents was truly a site to see in its self! I mean I have never seen so much disapproval from anyone before... my dad upon seeing them told me that he was extremely disappointed and that he now will always will have a hard time look at me in the eyes. (I mean I was like what the fuck! Did you really just say that!) He then kept going telling me that I wasn't going to amount to much in my life.

Then it was my mom's turn, and people if you thought my dad was bad you haven't seen anything yet. My mother went ahead and began screaming at the top of her lungs at me, she told me that I was a total and utter disgrace to our family, and that I will never be anything great in my life. Now for most a reaction like this would seem totally out of the ordinary, but for me this is very common, anytime that I do something to change myself this happens.

When I got my left ear pierced before my high school graduation my parents went ahead and told me that I was going to lose my job and get kicked out of school, well I'm sure they where shocked when that didn't happen. What about my first tattoo! Wow that was a good one, it went something along the lines of me getting my ears gauged. I am starting to feel like having my parent understand me is never going to happen, on top of this wonderful lack of understanding, I know that I will never live up to anything they had in mind for me, I mean they wanted me to be a teacher or a pastor, with no tattoos or piercings, well my view for myself is a little different, I will be quite happy with just being a chef, who has tattoos and piercings, and has enough to get by and have a good and happy existence.

Sometimes We Have To Fix Oursleves

Have you ever wondered what that one imbalance in your life is? If your answer is no, your lying and don’t even try to disagree with me. We all are always looking for that one thing/person/place that makes everything make sense again, or at least make you seem at ease. Well I really thought that I wouldn’t be able to find that one thing, and that was the problem there in it’s self, there was three things that I needed to figure out and change. Just being able to realize that much started to make so much more sense to me.

The first thing that I found wrong was the fact that I keep to myself too much and don’t take enough time to get to know new people. So I went ahead and started getting to know a ton of new people (you all know who you are), and man there are some cool people out there. During this time of trying to find new people I met very amazing and wonderful person, who makes me realize everyday that someone truly and deeply loves me (you better know who you are).

The second thing that was out of place in my life was my location; I mean come on, living in the same town that you where born in is just lame. So I fixed that by making plans and going to a school down in Seattle where I will start in the fall, who knows about when I will be moving down though, I’m think early summer though. This is a amazing change of pace too, from a sleepy town to a crazy city, but I can’t wait its going to be wonderful.

The last thing was the hardest by far, and that I was accepting myself just the way I am, and fuck this seemed impossible to do, but I finally got there. I had to be able to be honest with myself with little things, like the fact that even if I try really hard, my socks will never match, even if I buy the socks (weird right?). To the big things like dealing with having PTSD, and Bipolar II, this is a day to battle sometimes and I wish it wasn’t but I am sure that I will get through this all. I know that this is just who I am and I’m not afraid of it at all, I used to be, but there is no time for fearfulness.

So maybe I’m crazy, but that’s your call not mine, cause for the first time in my life I am actually 100% percent happy with everything in and around it. So please people take time for yourself, and look at your life and find those missing thing(s), you will be amazed at the difference that you can make for yourself. I am not the strongest, most intelligent, or even amazing person you will ever meet, but again please try this.

Hard Times...

What are you going to do when you realize that you have hit the wall? Fuck I had no idea till I actually hit the wall and then fell down about 50 stories hitting the fucking pavement. I ended up on some weird drugs from the doctor and I have to see a therapist once a week. I am sure that at this point I've lost almost all of my close friends, and don't get me wrong, but I am starting to think its for the best. But I do miss them, but every time I try to get together with them they blow me off, so I guess fuck them! Cause at this point I'm only willing to keep moving forward, and I'm not looking back.

So who am I now, well I'll tell you: I am a guy whose been shot down but is still holding on and fighting even if its only for myself. I seem like a complete asshole if you don't know me, but take a chance and get to know me. I am a person that will never give up, never look back with regret. I don't care what people think of me anymore cause there's no point to, cause in the long run I'm not just going to change for you or anyone. So what else...I have many tattoos at this point and will be getting more sooner than later, but you wouldn't be able to tell cause they're all under a t-shirt, but trust me, they're there. I am no longer a person who is wondering where my life is going to take me but I am excited to see where it takes me. I plan on trying to move to Ireland for awhile, but if that doesn't work I will find some place to go for a while, but it will most likely not be here in the states. I only let the best of company be around me, and I know that those people that are close to me won't let me down. I'm a complete smart ass and I know it, now you all do to. I am no longer afraid of the guy that fucked with my life, but he should be worried himself, cause I'm not scared anymore and I'm just pissed beyond words...

This is who I am, I'm not perfect, but no one is...